How Judging & Getting Annoyed Is Helpful! | 018

Nicole Lohse: 00:00:00

judging and annoyance have been two of my biggest teachers over the last little while. So my intention with this episode is to invite you to get curious about your own experiences when it comes to judging and getting annoyed. Because I find there's so much we can learn about ourselves when we pause, and notice that we're judging and we're getting annoyed. So what we're going to explore this episode is how we notice ourselves in these qualities of judging and getting annoyed. And then also, how do we start to tease apart what else is really there? Now I like to look at things as spectrums. So on one end of the spectrum of getting annoyed, and being judgey, is that we don't actually do it, right, we're in more of this bypass equality, where nothing really annoys me, everything's always fine. I don't get annoyed easily, it's no big deal. Or I don't really judge people, they get to be who they want to be, because we're all ultimately love and light, right? So there's this quality to it, where nothing really bothers me. And we're pretty airy about it pretty floaty about it. There's more of this bypass the feeling to actually feeling judgment and annoyance. On the other end of the spectrum, is where we tend to judge and annoy in a way where we project outwardly, there's almost like this feeling, at least for me where it's like, I don't want to feel my own experiences. So I'm instead going to judge other people and get annoyed by them. And it's all about this outward thing that I'm judging and annoying. It has nothing to do with me, it's all about the thing that's outside of me where this judgment and annoyance, you know, gets me all fired up because they are the idiots but I actually don't have to look at myself. Now somewhere in the mid range of that spectrum is what we want to get a little more curious about. Because judgment is healthy, getting annoyed is information for us to learn from. So I want to really emphasize that judgment to me is really important. Because we need to be able to judge situations or people to know if this is okay for us or not. Are we in a safe situation? Is this person someone I want to be engaging with? Is this environment? Something I want to entangle myself in? Or be involved in? is a better way to say it? Or is this judging that I'm feeling something that's actually indicating that I want nothing to do with this? Now the more we listen to the qualities of the judging, the more we'll learn, if we're judging rooted in some sort of survival, or if it's a healthy judgment that our instincts are telling us something isn't okay. Same thing with annoyance, there's a healthy annoyance that we want to feel because annoyance to us can be an indicator that something's not okay. Something that's happening doesn't meet our needs, or match our values. And that annoyance can be a really good messenger to show us that, wait, something's off here. I'm really annoyed. What's going on here that's making me annoyed? And then how do I assess that to make sure that I'm taking care of myself here, right, and I'm looking at my own experience, and how I contribute to whatever it is that I'm being annoyed by. So we're gonna talk about that a little bit more get a little more familiar with these different versions of judging, we may find ourselves in and getting annoyed we might find ourselves in, because we can definitely judge from a place where we're protecting ourselves. And we can get annoyed. We're it from a place where, again, we're dumping and blaming on everyone else. We want to learn how to also inquire into our own experiences and what this judgment and annoyance is telling us about ourselves. So let's start with judgment. Because, you know, I'm pretty sure we all judge. And like I said, we do want to judge we need that as a way to indicate if we're okay or not, is this something I want to be involved in or not? So for me, I know when I'm judging, and it's coming from a place of survival, I usually feel quite protected behind my judgment. So for me when I'm in more of this survival style of judging versus more of a healthy, instinctual judgment. If I'm in the survival style of judging. I usually feel myself get a little more rigid. Like I'm kind of standing up a little straighter and wanting to take up more space to stand my ground and prove that you know, yeah, it's you, not me I write, and there's this outward projection. I feel it as this energy. That kind of Glee gleams is that a word glares, it glares outward. And I feel it in a way where I'm, I'm kind of trying to make myself bigger and make the other person smaller. In that, though, I'm also noticing that I keep myself at a distance. I remember listening to something, I think it was on Instagram, it was a clip from a podcast where someone mentioned, like, we can judge, but are the people we're judging in a stadium speaking to the crowd doing what they're passionate about doing what they love, and meanwhile, we're on the outside judging them, that wouldn't really hit me. Whereas like, oh, yeah, I'm on the outside, I'm not even in the stadium. I'm just like, looking through the windows, judging in my safe little alley here where no one can see me, right. And there's this experience of like, I'm judging you, even though I'm keeping myself hidden. So for me, that's a really big indicator that I'm judging from a place where I'm keeping myself protected. I'm keeping myself hidden in small, but I'm projecting outwardly, because there's messages in there for me to untangle. It's something about myself that I'm really I'm not gonna go into the details yet. But there's something inside of me that's making me not experienced my own internal experience, and instead projected outward. And I'll go into my own internal experience in a moment so that you can do the same. So that's a judgment for more of a survival state. And I invite you to inquire into how you experience that judgment. So if you can think of something that or someone that you judge or you know, that he, maybe you think they're, they shouldn't be doing what they're doing, they're putting the wrong message out there. Maybe they are too high on themselves. And they think they're all that and say, you know, anytime I see them in a group, I just think there will who are those people? Right? So think of someone you judge. And then notice what happens internally? What do you experience? And I have many episodes where I speak to how do you refine paying attention to your own experiences, by expanding your awareness on the human experience, but just notice, is some of what I said, Does that resonate with you? Do you feel yourself kind of like protected and hiding as you judge someone else? Is there something else you notice? What do you sense within yourself when you judge and is that form a judging a form of protection?

Nicole Lohse: 00:07:48

Let's move on to annoyance next, right? For me, I get annoyed really easily when someone isn't meeting me in my values, or in what I believe we as human beings should be living life as. So an example of that is I get annoyed quite easily when someone's not taking responsibility for their actions. So let's say they are just kind of like taking advantage of a situation and free ball in it and getting all kinds of stuff handed to them and, and not grateful at all or not contributing. In return. They just take take take take. And they're kind of oblivious, and think you know, they deserve it. All right, can you hear it in my voice? I'm kind of a little feisty about it. And there's judgment there. I can feel myself fired up a little bit, there's a bit of fight energy I can feel because I'm speaking a little quicker. My muscles are getting a little tenser my visions a little more focused. And there's this impulse to want to be like, What the hell, right? And it's that frustration. It's that annoyance. And if I pause and notice myself in it, I can feel like I want to like or, and I feel this energy building, but I'm not necessarily expressing it. I'm holding this energy that's building and building and building as a result of my annoyance and my frustration on how this person is moving through the world. Now, again, I want to invite you to pause and notice when you're feeling annoyed, how do you experience yourself in it? Right? How do you feel your body changing? Does something happened in your muscle tone? Do you feel a hint of anger? Do you want to blurt something out? Do you blurt things out? Do have the tendency to turn and walk away because he can't stand that person or you trying to avoid that person because they're so annoying. So why would I even hang out with them? Right so what is it you do and what is it you experience when you are annoyed. Now, again, this annoyance, if I'm projecting it outward, like that person, such an idiot, they're taking advantage of everyone, they get everything for free. They're not even thankful they're not even contributing back. Right? I'm blaming, blaming, blaming, I'm dumping it all on them. Right. And there's this action outward again, I'm not looking at myself, I'm just looking at them and how annoying they are. Right? That's very different than when When I pause, and I inquire into my own experience, which again, we'll get into a sec, in a sec. So that's what I want to invite you to first start off with is throughout your day pause to notice when there's judgment, or there's annoyance, and pay attention to how you experience yourself in it. Now, this to me is really important, because the more we can pay attention to how we're experiencing ourselves in these moments, we can also then pause and create more space around what we're experiencing instead of getting lost in the vortex of our annoyance or in our judgments. Now, when we have more space, there's more room for choice, there's more room for curiosity, there's more room to inquire into what's really at play. But it takes pausing and noticing that we're even in these vortexes or in these patterns of judging and protecting ourselves or getting annoyed and frustrated and projecting outward about people, right, we have to be able to pause them notice that we're in these things to do anything about it. Now I do want to name that it can often be challenging in the moment to navigate in a place from a place of curiosity, right? It can be challenging to be like, Oh, wait, I'm really judging right now. And I'm going to choose to do something different. It's like, No, I'm deep in it, right. But the more you practice, and the sooner you recognize you're shifting into this judging, the more you get to bring curiosity into the explorations of what's really at play. So let's dive into that piece next. So first, you're just pausing and noticing how you experience yourself when you're in that judging, or when you're in that annoyance, that alone is going to give you information about yourself. And again, create space for you to witness your experiences. Now next step, what is really entangled in this? So for me, for example, when I'm judging someone, I can feel myself again, projecting, putting the blinders on myself and putting it on them, right, they are doing this, they are doing that they don't get it, they don't understand, you know. And if I pause, I can notice that I am having an experience that I don't believe that they are who they are projecting themselves to be. Now, now it takes practice to differentiate is what I'm sensing true, because it's quite possibly is. But this is where it gets even more interesting. So if I'm judging someone, I'm judging someone off the perspective or the perception rather of how I'm perceiving them. Right? Now, if I can pause and create some space and see that I'm perceiving them as whatever I'm perceiving them as I get to notice that I am making perceptions. And then from there, I get to inquire.

Nicole Lohse: 00:13:42

And the way I inquire is, I again, look at my experience of oh, wait, I'm protected. I'm small, and I experienced them as bigger than me. That's how I experience it. This is where again, takes practice to notice how you experience judgment. But then from there, I get to notice, well, what happens if I make myself a little bigger? Whoa, that's uncomfortable. Oh, interesting. There's something in me staying small, that keeps me safe, that keeps me protected. That doesn't put me in that place that I perceive to be vulnerable, and, you know, taking up space, or I perceive that taking up space is vulnerable, more like it, right. And although I'm judging them and making up a story about them, it's also a reflection of my discomfort in actually maybe showing up in that way. Right. So I'm going to stick with my example. I'm judging someone who's taking up space and you know, putting their information out in the world and pretending like they know everything. They're the expert, and here I am staying small staying hidden. But if I play with this of like, well, what happens if I get a little bit Are we oh, I might be seen, I might, people might see me for who I am, which is a fraud. And all these stories come in and all this fear comes in all this intensity in my muscles comes in, there's a full experience that I have in response to taking up a little more space to match or move towards matching this person and judging. Oh, there's the reason why I'm staying small, and it's way easier to judge them than it is to be in my experience of potentially taking up a little more space. So to me, when I'm judging someone, I often pause to notice what I'm experiencing, and then play a little in with what I'm experiencing. So that I can learn a little bit more about my own edges, and see what's there for me to challenge and maybe even move through a little. Alright, so I want to invite you to Again, pause and notice what you're noticing in your own experience when you're judging. And then what happens when you play with it a little you take it away from about them, but start to play with your own experience of again, usually, it's because you're small, hiding, keeping yourself away from being seen, right? What happens if you invite yourself to be seen a little bit more just by imagining yourself taking up a bit more space, what happens then allow that be to be a way for you to gather more information about yourself of around why you keep yourself small, protected, hidden, making sure you don't expose yourself to the consequences of being seen. Now, I want to speak briefly to our judgments being accurate. Now, sometimes we make judgments because the messages we're getting are like, I don't know, if I trust this, I don't know if it feels aligned for me. I don't know if I agree with what they're saying. I have judgment and disagree with what they're saying. Now, that to me feels very different. If I don't agree with what someone's saying, I can still feel like I can take up space, I can hold my ground. And if I had to, I could hold a conversation with a person while still maintaining a knowing sense of what feels true to me what my values are, what my beliefs are, what my perspectives are. And I can still hold space to hear what the other person says. And I mean, I might not even be in a conversation with someone for me, judgment shows up a lot on social media. So it's like if I can notice that I'm judging someone on social media, I can be like, Wait, am I small and hidden, or I'm actually maintaining my sense of self and allowing myself to notice that I disagree with this person, that what they're doing isn't aligned with what I believe to be true, I might still have that space to hear what they have to say. And maybe it expands my perspective, because there's something new for me to learn in what they have to share, or how they're moving through their life. But there's usually a difference of I can stand my ground, I can take up space. And this just doesn't feel aligned and true. And therefore I'm judging them in what they're sharing. And I can learn from that judgment. Because if there's still judgment there, it means that I haven't seen them in their journey. Now, I find this the most beneficial practice to do because if I still have judgment, it means I'm seeing them in their patterns and the way that they're trying to learn how to navigate life, usually from survival. And I'm not seeing them in their wholeness as they are moving through life and their survival patterns. And from this place where they're just trying to find their way through being human. So I can judge what they have to say, to recognize I don't agree, but can I still see them in their wholeness? Can I see that they are doing the best that they can with their survival patterns at play? And can I have a bit of grace for that? Can I have judgment to learn from and can I have grace to see them in their wholeness and recognize well, we don't align and I don't agree with you, I see that you're on your journey. You do you I'm going to do me that has a very different quality to me. Now, what I'd like to invite you to notice is can you relate to this? Can you relate to judging because you don't agree with someone? And can that be a way to strengthen what's true to you and create space in between you and the people that you don't agree with so that you They can be on their journey, you can be on yours. And it doesn't mean you have to agree on what they're saying. They don't have to agree on your perspective either. But Can there be a shift from judgment and more just an understanding from that place, I hope that makes sense. To me, it feels different. It feels different when I'm judging, and I'm keeping myself small, versus judging from a place where it's actually showing me that I disagree, that my belief system, my perspectives don't match theirs. And the more I'm able to see that, then I can create space and see them more from their wholeness and see them in their experience of simply finding their way with their own perspectives. And this is why I'm such a firm believer of, you know, finding the information from within trusting and learning to access your own knowing and your own perspectives. Because I find we rely so much on what everyone else is telling us that we've lost sight of our own wisdom. And the more we can notice judgment, the more we can notice that this is an opportunity for us to become clear on our own values are on our own beliefs or on our own perspectives. So let judgment be a teacher for you to notice when you're judging from a place of survival, when you're judging because things don't feel aligned. And then there's also judging when things don't feel right, it doesn't feel safe, it doesn't feel okay. Like, this isn't something I want to be part of. And I can separate myself from that, to me, that usually shows up as you know, more spidey senses a little more like a knowing like,

Nicole Lohse: 00:21:46

I'm judging that person for what they're doing. And, and that, because I don't agree with what they're doing, it's similar to perspectives. But I'm kind of weaving in a little more of the survival perspective of like, it's not just that we disagree. It's more like what you're doing. I don't agree upon and I want nothing to do with it, because I don't feel safe in that space. So that's some ways that I have been getting curious about judgment, and that I'd invite you to explore your relationship to judgment. Notice how you feel when you're judging what's happening in your physiology, what's happening, in your experience, how do you notice your energy shift? How can that alone be information to work with? And then what else is entangled? Right? Are you staying small? Are you protecting yourself? Well, that you're giving them all the space to be this big thing? What happens if you actually play with this experience is keeping yourself small and judging from the corner and start to take up a bit more space? What do you learn from that experience? And then also, noticing when judging is simply a way for you to start to refine and recognize when you're actually just disagreeing, and the judgments coming from a place where you're not aligned? You don't agree? And you can then sit a little bit more in the recognition of what is it you value? What is it that you really feel is important in the situation? And how do you bring clarity to your own perspectives? Now, let's move into annoyance. Because, oh, annoyance to me is such a good teacher. If I find myself annoyed, I again, you know, projecting outward, it's them. It's them, it's them. They're the ones that are annoying. But if I can pause and notice that I'm projecting onto them, that they're the annoying ones, I get to pause to be like, wait, what of my values or my needs aren't being met, that I and then projecting on them for being such an idiot because they don't see the world or move through the world in the same way I do. Now, for me, the example I used was, you know, someone just taking advantage of other people getting everything for free and take take take take but not contributing back. When I paused and I noticed I'm annoyed. I take a moment to inquire what is it? That's annoying me? What are the qualities in this person that are annoying me, because that has helped me really refine my recognition of my values. So by seeing that someone annoys me because they're taking and not contributing and taking advantage of situations, for me, I have become clear on. There's a need I have and I really value when people contribute. When there's this exchange and collaboration that happens when we're in the experiences together. And there's this dance of really recognizing each other's needs and what In the group needs to be taken care of. So everyone is okay, or everyone is looked after. And sometimes that can be a quality of more survival of like is everyone else, okay? So I'm okay. And, you know, it can also be part of who I am I really value taking care of people and really seeing what's needed and supporting people in from that place. The more I can recognize my own ways of moving through the world, the way I like to make sure everyone is taken care of, for example, then I can also see that this person who is taking advantage of situations and take take take take and not contributing that that's simply just not one of their values. So I can get annoyed by it. And I can also pan out a little, and recognize that they don't value the same thing. Contributing isn't as important to them, I might be making that story up or assuming. And my guess is, they're usually stuck in survival patterns that are rooted in not knowing how to contribute or see the needs of other people, because they're just connected and shut down and don't, don't have access to that. But the more I can pause and notice and recognize my own values, who I am as a person, and what I find is important, just because someone else can't do that doesn't mean that they have to. Now this is quite interesting, because I feel like we often expect other people to do or live life the way we live life, right? And we have these judgments. And we get annoyed when people don't do that. We get really Yeah, judgmental and hard on people, because they don't do the things we think they should do. And what I want to invite us to recognize is if we can pause and notice that we're starting to annoy, get annoyed or judge, can we check in with ourselves first and recognize these are our own values, and what's important to us and what I really stand for as a human being and who I am as a human being. But can I see that they're probably in their own survival patterns, and they don't have the same values and don't find the same things important. So to me, this annoyance in this judgment is the biggest teacher because it allows us to pause to create space between us and the other people to see ourselves in our patterns and in our own needs and in our own values and our own perspectives. And then can we see them in their own needs, their values, their perspectives, we might be making stories up about it, we might not fully be sure of what is true. But it allows space for there to be this recognition that we're both whole, we just live life very differently. Now from this place of annoyance, I get to then choose sometimes because you know, choice is sometimes hard. But I get to inquire into is this someone I want to spend time with? Is this someone that I want to go on a trip with? Is this someone I want to live with? Is this someone I want to, you know, engage with or this these ways that this person lives life doesn't really align with mine, and therefore I'm going to keep my distance. I definitely have a history of being friends with everyone because I didn't get bothered by much and nothing really annoyed me I didn't have much judgment. But as I land on more judgment, and really give myself the space to inquire further into my judgment, and as I find myself getting annoyed by people in actually celebrating it because I'm getting angry at people for not doing what I'm expecting them to do. And then that allows me to reflect on like, oh wait, there's this expectation that someone has to meet me in ways that they don't have the capacity or even know how to meet me. Now of course, given depending on the relationship, I can make requests I can have conversations with people about this and that's a great practice in itself. What it also is really helping me refine my understanding of what's okay and what's not okay for me what it is I want in my life what I want it to friendships, what I want out of life in relationship in general.

Nicole Lohse: 00:29:28

So, with the annoyance one more thing I want to add to that is the annoyance can also really help us recognize flavors of anger. And if anger isn't something that you easily access. See, annoyance is a way for you to kind of emphasize the annoyance by feeling what it feels like to allow some anger to be there within your system. So that there can be this anger of like this wasn't okay, this isn't okay. I don't want that. Right And that's them. They can do what they want to do. Right? But become clear on your on your own experience of like, but that's not okay, wait, I'm having some anger around that. And that's not okay, cool. And so I wanted to leave that in there too, because I find it's really, annoyance can be such a cool way for us to actually start to recognize our own needs our own values, what's okay, what's not okay and to access some healthy anger. Now there's one more thing I'd like to weave into this conversation and exploration around judgment and annoyance. So far, I've talked about judgment and annoyance being this thing that we do outwardly at people. But we can also judge and get annoyed at ourselves, we can very easily judge and get annoyed at our own survival patterns, the ways we've learned to be in the world, because we're stuck trying to survive. So something I speak to, and I speak to in the experiential guide I speak to in the second and third episode, is how we feel towards how we're showing up in the world. And when we have judgment. And when we are annoyed at ourselves. We're just challenging ourselves. And we're in conflict with ourselves. Because that part of us that does the thing that we find so annoying, is doing it for a reason, just like other people are doing what we find annoying for a reason, because that's how they know how to live their life. Our parts are also doing what they know how to do. And that's getting annoyed at the parts, it makes sense, because you know, it's really annoying when we're doing these things that we don't want to be doing. But to recognize that that part of you is stuck in time stuck believing it has to do the thing. So not only noticing your own judgments, and you're not annoyances outwardly to other people, see if you can do the same inquiry into how you judge yourself, and how you get annoyed at yourself, and how to start to set create some space and start to see that this is just a part of you that's stuck in time doing what it thinks it needs to do in that annoying way. Because it feels like it has to. And this is something I dive into in my programs, we start to really see all the layers that are at play, as well as support these pieces that are stuck in time doing the thing that we find is annoying, or that we're judging ourselves for, because that's often rooted in our trauma. Right? And the more we can untangle all the layers that are at play, like what you're doing by recognizing your own judgments and your own curiosity around your annoyances, the more we start to tease it all apart and gain deeper access to the actual trauma, the thing that's at play that's causing us to live life in these patterns that are rooted in survival. So there you have it, some really interesting ways to play with judging and annoyance. I can definitely geek out about this for a long time. It's definitely something I yeah, I find so fascinating and learn so much from so hopefully, you'll join me in some way and that this episode alone is helpful. And we can continue to be human and judge and get annoyed but use it as a way to learn more about ourselves.